Self Harming

I first performed an act of self harming consciously when I was 14 years old. I no doubt practised subconscious methods from a younger age - it's actually only become apparent to me in recent years that sometimes I self harm without realising I'm doing it.

When I was 14, I used a staple remover to scrape, scratch, pick, cut and otherwise mark my left wrist. I stuck to the first 2.5 inches of my forearm, thus I was able to cover it with a sweatband. At school we wore long-sleeved jumpers - and when it came to summer, PE lessons and being at home, I wore the sweatband. It was uncomfortable and itchy and it often got irritated so I would scratch at it and make it worse.

The staple remover had four blades and had the potential to cut two lines at once. Due to the shape of it, skin would gather in the hinge and crevices. I rather enjoyed tapping it on a table and watching all the bits of skin dust fall out. I eventually migrated north and began to mark my forearm and bicep as well as my wrist - and would have to cover it with arm warmers or long sleeved clothes.

My go-to implement now is a steak knife. I prefer ones with thick, sturdy handles and blades of around 4 inches long. Serrated edges are perfect for cutting through skin. I press the serrated edge into my skin until I'm making a visible groove and I can feel considerable pressure. I then yank the knife away in the opposite direction. It makes a high pitched sound similar to a zip being opened. The results are cuts of around 4-6 inches long with jagged edges and subsequent bleeding.

However when I can't control the urge to self harm, I can use more or less any implement I can find. I've used keys, pens, forks, nails, screws, screwdrivers, scissors and pieces of broken metal. I don't really like super fine blades like razors and chef knifes - they produce a lot of blood, yes, but they don't provide a satisfying burn and sting sensation - nor does the surrounding skin swell up very much. Pain is my first requirement - blood is second, though I often feel unfulfilled if I haven't seen enough blood come out.

As a general rule, as I'm right handed, I cut my left arm. When I have enough logic still in my brain, I can direct the cuts to my bicep, which is covered even if I wear a t-shirt. I've also cut my shins, knees, thighs, stomach and breasts. When I was in a dark place once, I cut my own throat. I still have a scar there - but as it's under my chin, I don't think it's majorly noticeable. When the logic centre has shut down completely I just attack any part of my body - including my forearm and wrist. Sometimes I listen to music and time my motions to the beat. Swipes, slices or even direct hits with the pointed end of the knife.

So why do I do it? I've found I'm more prone to doing it when I'm angry or frustrated. When I'm sad, I generally lack the motivation to do it, even if I think about doing it. As I act using my rage as a driving force I will do one or two cuts that are worse than the others as the force is used up on the first few strokes. As I calm down as a result of the pain, they become less severe and may not even bleed. I stop when I'm satisfied with how much pain I've felt, blood I've seen, or if I tire myself out.

I've noticed I'm more likely to cut myself over situations I can't control, or the actions of others. As I'm frustrated that I can't change the occurrences or events or I can't deal with other people’s actions, I cut out of frustration and feeling helpless or powerless within a situation. I don't think I have ever cut myself as a method of “punishing” myself, as you often read people expressing. There are other ways I can punish myself - and I can be very creative. Cutting myself is too simple and straightforward and thus is what the angry me with no logic left tends to resort to doing.

When I lived at home, I had to hide my scars. Now I live in my own house, I don't. I don't care who sees them. Sometimes I'll cover them out of respect for other people, but it's highly dependant on who it is. The majority of the time I don't care who sees them in my own house - I'm not wearing hot clothing in warm weather or restrictive sleeves that cause sweating, itching or irritation if I don't need to. In general if I need to go outside, I'll cover up fresh wounds or scabbed over ones - but once the scabs have fallen off, I don't.

As I make sure to use clean knives and dress the more serious cuts and apply antiseptic, I seldom get infections in my skin. During darker moments where I wasn't satisfied after the initial cutting and felt I needed to cause myself more pain and suffering, I've resorted to deliberately introducing bacteria into the wounds. I've rubbed faecal matter into the cuts and covered them with tight bindings to encourage bacterial growth due to the heat. Even so, I've never caused any serious infections - just the odd yellow pus filled cuts or cuts with a slightly green tinge.

I do not cut for attention. The whole “attention seeking” view is fucking bullshit. If in a situation where I was meeting new people or in a situation where a first impression would matter, I would hide them, either using clothing - or if they were at a stage where the scabs had fallen off, using foundation. I never do it in front of other people - I even find it difficult to do it if I'm *not* the only person in the house. I *have* done it in the same room as other people, but only when I was really desperate - and I made sure to turn my back to them and cover them immediately so they didn't see the blood.

Sometimes I feel accomplished if I can go so many days/weeks/months without cutting myself. But it all comes crashing back down eventually. And as I previously mentioned, I self harm subconsciously. I suffer from dermatophagia - which is a form of OCD which causes me to bite, chew and pick at the skin around my fingernails, palms and fingers. Though I tend to do this when I’m anxious, I’ve noticed myself doing it, then deliberately continued to pick pieces of skin off of my fingers until blood is drawn. I’ve noticed myself digging my nails into my wrists, arms and palms when I'm getting angry. When I get frustrated with a difficult task, I find my eczema flares up and I get unbearably itchy - I'll often scratch at that harder than I need to do suppress the itch.

During mental breakdowns where I've felt my head literally straining with bad thoughts, anxiety and frustrations - the only way to provide some relief has been to hit my head against a wall, floor or door frame. That has resulted in bumps, bruises, black eyes, a nosebleed and a concussion. I've also hit myself, literally using my fists and using objects such as books, keyboards, pieces of wood and furniture.

I will admit I feel somewhat relieved, almost pleasant when I'm hurting myself. Finally getting that release of anger and rage out of my body is like squeezing out poison or pulling out a splinter. This high of sorts only lasts a maximum of around 15 minutes though, as I calm down rapidly once I've gotten the rage out. If I've managed to do it in “sensible” place, I feel OK. I'm only really aware of it in the shower when feeling hot water hitting raw skin - or if other people touch it, such as my fiancée cuddling close in bed and pressing hard on the sore areas unintentionally.

If I cut a place that's not as “sensible,” I'll usually feel immediate regret. For instance, I won't be able to film any videos (i.e gunge/messy videos) where I couldn't wear long sleeves. In warmer months, I'm annoyed if I have to hide them when it's simply unbearable to wear too many clothes. So where possible, I try to direct the rage to a more “sensible” part of my body. Technically the most “sensible” places are my torso - stomach and breasts - as these would be hidden even when wearing a swimming costume. Often it can be hard to claw a shred of logic back up through the blur of rage and direct the steak knife away from my wrists and forearms - but I'm getting better at doing it.