But if it ever had to be set in stone, I would have to say I was biologically female because I have a vagina. However, I wish I didn't have a vagina.
I have some major dysphoria when it comes to my body below the belt. If I was given the opportunity to re-mould my body the way I wanted it - I wouldn't have *anything* there. I'd be totally smooth, flat and hairless - with just a urethra. I don't want pubic hair, I don't want a labia, I don't want a clitoris, I don't want a vaginal opening. But at the same time, I don't want a penis or testicles either. They disgust me, so why would I want *those* attached to my body?
But at the same time, my own genitals disgust me. To the point where I'm trying to disconnect from it even being there. I literally only acknowledge it when I have to wash it or wipe it after peeing. Even then, I don't like it if I feel any flesh or hair through the toilet paper - or have to touch it with my actual hand when I'm washing it - so I usually just clean it with the shower head or a flannel.
I literally have no use for it. I don't menstruate. I have poly-cystic ovary syndrome, and as a result was bleeding in excess of 6 months, non-stop. So I was put on the pill. This had the side effect of stopping my periods ENTIRELY for EIGHT YEARS and counting. I literally can't even remember what it feels like to have a period. I can't remember how it feels to use a tampon or a pad, to feel blood come out - anything like that. It's just, not a part of my life anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have no periods whatsoever than periods that last for six months however. I also have no desire to breed. I'm happily child free. Don't like kids, don't want kids. Let's leave it at that for now.
Sexual pleasure? Don't need a vagina. I've gotten all of my sexual pleasure exclusively from anal stimulation and penetration for the past several years. To the point where I don't even touch my clitoris anymore, and I used to at first. Oh, it gets aroused, blood rushes to it, it gets bigger - but I don't touch it. My vagina gets wet - obviously, that's my body's natural reaction - but I don't need it to. I don't use it. This may sound odd but I don't even find vaginas sexually attractive. Oh, they don't repulse me (aside from my own) but I also don't particularly like looking at them. I'd rather look at a woman's body as a whole - or focus on their T&A, of course.
Watching porn? They start faffing with their fanny? I'm no longer interested. Thus I only really watch anal porn. To the point where I sometimes watch gay porn - especially fisting porn where the actors wear singlets to hide their genitals and focus totally on their ass.
For a time, having my vagina touched literally yielded no results. It felt like nothing. Numb. Disconnected. It still does, physically - but now having it touched hurts me mentally. I no longer accept it as a part of my body - so when attention is drawn to it, I feel like my wishes are being disrespected. We are always taught that your partner should respect your body and your wishes of what you want to have done to it - my wish is for *that* to not exist and thus not be acknowledged as a part of me. When she ignores that - she's disrespecting my wishes, disrespecting my body and disrespecting me.
It's at the point now where I don't even feel comfortable being naked around her - I have to wear some sort of pants - be it underwear, shorts or pyjama bottoms. I don't mind being topless - but I can't run the risk of *that* being exposed. Run the risk of it being looked at, acknowledged, touched. To be honest I don't feel comfortable not wearing pants even when I'm alone. I've invested in some fetish clothing that allows anal access but keeps the front covered, as it should be. I feel more comfortable and confident in those - I've even considered investing in some sort of female chastity belt to truly disconnect it from my body.
Now let's talk about *her* sexuality. She identifies as pansexual. She's not a lesbian, she's not bisexual. She once explained to me that to her, it didn't matter what genitals her partner had. Whether they had one, both or none at all - for her, she's attracted to the person, not what they have. Yet why is this constantly being proved a lie lately? If it was really true, she would have no desire to touch it. No desire to acknowledge it - because I don't have a vagina anymore. I have an unwanted mutation between my legs that doesn't need to be there.
I'd like to sew the lips shut ideally, but I doubt I could do it cleanly - and I don't particularly want to get an infection. I've self harmed it on multiple occasions - nipping at it with my fingernails, scraping and nicking at it with nail scissors - I've even inserted a steak knife into myself. I didn't do any internal damage but the sheer cold feel of the blade and the point pressing against my cervix was rather intense. I'd like to rub at it with sandpaper, make it raw and bloody and infected, make it so disgusting that she wouldn't *want* to touch it, wouldn't *want* to look at it.
You may be thinking at this point - have I been sexually assaulted before? The answer is yes. I was 21 years old and I was assaulted in broad daylight at 9AM in the morning in a bus shelter by a man who has since fled the country as soon as the police managed to track him down. No justice was dealt by them - but as he was Muslim, he was instantly ostracised from his community and basically driven away as they didn't want to know him. What did he do? He groped me, he forced me to kiss him. Since then I've never felt comfortable being suddenly grabbed or roughly kissed. I find it hard to kiss at all, if I'm honest. This was identified as PTSD and I'm currently undergoing some therapy for it - however, it's not making any difference where my genitals are concerned. If anything, my feelings towards it are getting stronger.
I either have such a strong disconnect with it I literally don't feel female in the slightest - despite the breasts and other female characteristics - I feel sort of androgynous. Or I have such a deep hatred towards it I'm literally considering taking a blade to it and slicing it off of my body for good. If I can't rid myself of this filthy disgusting mutation that's taken hold where I didn't want it to - the least I can do is refuse to acknowledge its existence entirely. Shame she can't do the same. Even if it's touched accidentally - brushed against while she's touching my leg or touched while she's stimulating somewhere I actually do care about - I can't deal with it. It's such a sudden jarring sensation I can't even deal with the sensation or the thoughts it brings about. I have to retreat, I have to force myself to disconnect and take myself somewhere as far away as possible from anything remotely sexual.
I used to have a really high sex drive - odd, considering I was taking antidepressants and they tend to suppress one's sex drive - sex was the only time I felt happy. Now I'm not interested. I don't want to risk doing anything remotely sexual because there's always that risk. Always the risk it's going to be touched, seen, even acknowledged. So I'd rather reduce the risk entirely and just refrain from having sex entirely. Besides, one of the bullshit lies she keeps telling me is she "needs" to touch it to get turned on. Such a bag of crap - I haven't openly invited her to touch it for over 6 years now. I've never been as edgy or closed off as I currently am - but even when she was stimulating me elsewhere, she was free to look at the disgusting thing if she wanted to. If she ever drew attention to it though, I'd be instantly turned off and would pretend to climax so she'd stop touching me and I could put my clothes back on and retreat into my totally non-sexual disconnected thoughts.
So at this point my options are to stop having sex entirely, somehow convince her to fucking respect my body and accept I do not have a vagina or take a blade to it and remove it myself. After all, she won't want to look at it, touch it, acknowledge it if it isn't there, will she?
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